Once upon a time, a fat little eight-year-old kid with scabby knees and unfashionable clothing went to a play at a college campus. As soon as she walked onto that campus, she took a deep breath, held it in her chest and her eyes went as round as saucers behind her horrible red-framed glasses. “This,” she barely breathed, “is where I wanna go.” The teacher whom she was with at the time laughed at her. “Mount Holyoke isn’t a place for people like you,” she had said her nose firmly moved toward the sky. The little girl grew up. She dropped out of high school, she went a little crazy, she did a lot of stupid things, but eventually she grew up, went back to school and finally got the guts to apply to Mount Holyoke. The first time she was rejected with a nice note, but that was a good thing, because it made the woman grow up even more.
Once upon a time at Mount Holyoke, a woman started classes and she felt entirely out of place. She was poor white trash after all, and that teacher’s comment stayed with her. Still, she talked back in her classes and in general was a complete and utter idiot. Then once upon a time she went blind and her whole world forever changed. Once upon a time she was forced to become a different kind of student, and in no small way, that forced her to become a different person. Well, sort of a different person. She still was who she was at her very core.
Once upon a time at Mount Holyoke, she thought most of the students were pretentious idiots and full of false ideas. Once upon a time, she hated people and she especially hated you. Once upon a time she started writing this stupid column, and once upon a time she thought this was a good idea. Once upon a time her class graduated, but because of a stupid technicality, she won’t get to walk across the stage.
My once upon a time at Mount Holyoke is ending now, as is my once upon this column. It’s been a very long year here, and I’m pretty sure that at least some of you are completely overjoyed that I won’t be around here to geek out or snark at the stupidness of current trends next year. It’s been good for me, though, even if I really don’t want to admit it. Since I’d come here, I’d had edges worn off, edges honed razorsharp and some soft places have had new edges put on.
Once upon a time I thought I would be pleased as punch to be GTFOing out of here, but now that I’m looking at it, I’m a little sad. Once upon a time at Mount Holyoke, there was this chick with an eye-patch, and once upon a time at Mount Holyoke she pointed to you and said “that’s what she said.” Don’t forget it.
