Dear Sui,
As my editor, you probably have come to expect all my submissions to reach your inbox right before midnight on Saturday. Hence, my apologies for this post-Sunday-brunch article. Most editors would be harassing their columnists to keep to their deadlines but you have miraculously restrained yourself from barging my door down and knocking some sense into me. It is probably stressful enough being an editor without having to worry about excuses and extensions.
I normally spend a couple of days mulling over topics for my column but when the first three weeks of school mirror finals week on repeat, then there is very little time for leisurely thinking of interesting topics, let alone making them clever or funny. So instead of a coherent piece on something useful like Facebook or academic hierarchy, I am instead going to briefly summate the trials and tribulations of this past week in the hope that you and the Mount Holyoke News readers will empathize with my situation.
This week I was accosted in the library by an individual called ‘Jesus Christ,’ who offered me HP printer CDs as a Valentine’s Day gift. I do not know which is worse: meeting creepy people who must be escorted by Public Safety out of the library on a Thursday morning, or that your only Valentine’s Day gift is a HP printer CD from ‘Jesus Christ’ sporting a snug zebra print tank top and knee length dreadlocks.
This week I mistakenly poured myself a glass of seltzer instead of water; and after taking a sip of it was convinced that the Rockies’ chefs are trying to poison us students. I decided that the only way to clear my plate would be to down a cupful of jell-o.
This week I learned that if you drop a cup of jell-o down two flights of stairs it splatters in a foot length radius. Fearing a letter from Rene Davis announcing that dorms will be shut down because residents cannot clean up after themselves, I spent half an hour on my hands and knees trying to wipe jell-o off the floor with toilet paper.
This week I went to a local Chinese restaurant to ask them if they would be willing to appear in my documentary on food and immigration for a film class. After approximately six minutes of me explaining the project to them, their sole response was to ask me which appetizer I wanted.
This week, I rented a tripod from the library for my film only to realize upon arriving at the shoot that they forgot to give me the base for the tripod. Two days later, they gave me a camera without any batteries. I have now learned that I can march from Abbey- Buck to LITS in under two minutes and that you should always check your media equipment before you walk away from the front desk.
This week I realized that while not doing study abroad was probably a very wise decision in my case, having other people’s study abroad pictures appear on my Facebook newsfeed will only remind me of how much fun I could have been having.
This week I realized that the closest I am coming to meeting a celebrity this semester is the Carrot Top lookalike doing construction work outside my window.
Dear Sui, I am sure you have had weeks that have topped mine both in levels of absurdity and in stress. I hope you understand what I am going through. While this may not work as an intelligible Mount Holyoke News piece, I hope it is at least entertaining for someone who has had a comparatively dull week.
My apologies, yet again,
A beleaguered columnist
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